When the “Ifs” Come: Three Ways to Respond to the “Ifs” of Life

If is a small two letter word, yet it has the power to shift our whole universe. Some “ifs” provide us excitement, terror, and sometimes both at the same time! How we handle these “ifs” of life are critical for shaping our encounter with life each day.

My “Ifs”

I was nine when my “ifs” started (or my first awareness of them). After losing my father, my knight in shining armor, my whole world became one big IF. What if my mom dies too? What if I am left alone? What if someone else comes along and tries to be my dad? And the list goes on and on.

The “ifs” of losing someone else and being left alone were so strong. My mom and I shared a room when we moved back to Louisiana. Every night we’d fall asleep, but I would wake up at some point in the night, go over to her side of the bed, and place my ear to her chest to make sure she was still breathing. Out of a place of “if” I would pray, “Please don’t let my mom get cancer and die too.” I prayed this prayer from age nine to twenty-three. At twenty-three the “if” became a reality.

I received the call at work from my mom to meet her at the hospital. With my heart pounding louder than I could hear, I asked, “Why?” My mother replied, “I have cancer, and they just put in my port for chemo.” My whole world cratered as one of my greatest fears morphed into reality.

I did not understand how I could pray for my mom not to get cancer for fourteen years, and, yet, here I was hearing the dreaded words. I was the nine-year-old scared little girl again. This time I had many more “ifs” and was fully aware of each one. I not only was a daughter, but also a caretaker this time adding a new level to the cancer journey this go around. None of this seemed right or fair. And it wasn’t. Yet, here I was.

Unfortunately, she died of cancer nine months after her diagnosis. I was left alone in many ways. I had to navigate putting a funeral together, working through a succession, and simply trying to understand my life of “ifs.” It was all I could do to keep my head above water.

I would love to say that I conquered everything well, but that would be a lie. I allowed the “ifs” to consume me, and I made choices based on fear and a need for safety. What I have learned through my own journey of healing is that “ifs” are going to come. And, while fear may be a valid response to those “ifs,” it is not the only response available.

Three Ways to Respond to “Ifs”

1)        Fear

 As crazy as this may sound, fear is not something to fear. Fear is a natural feeling with which God created us. It allows us to know something is not right and promotes us often to seek safety in some way. When we are facing unknowns, we will seek safety because we are built to survive. The key is not to ignore or pretend we are not experiencing fear; it is to learn to acknowledge the fear, experience it healthily, and move through the fear.

Responding to fear in a healthy manner requires us to acknowledge and name fear. David did so in Psalm 56:3, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” He does not pretend. He simply acknowledges his fear and his faith. However, many of us try to pretend like we are not scared, and we shove that fear deep down. In doing so, the fear explodes like an angry volcano. The anger is what we believe we are feeling, but it is actually fear we may be experiencing. If we acknowledge the fear, we are less likely to have explosions that may hurt us or others.

Additionally, we often try to not to think about all the “ifs” through distraction, extreme positivity, and/or dissociation. However, when we do this, we create the scenario of the pink elephant: tell people not to think about the pink elephant, and what happens? All they do is think about the pink elephant. Therefore, to shift from the “ifs,” we need to replace the thoughts or dispute them. For instance, “What if don’t get this job?” That is a real “if.” However, there is nothing in this moment that is evidencing this will happen. Therefore, the replaced/disputing thought may be, “I am only in control of me, my actions and thoughts. I did the best interview I knew how to do,” or “This is not the only job I can apply for. I can find another job opportunity.”

This thought shifting takes much practice; it will not happen overnight. But it can happen. As Deuteronomy 31:6 reminds us, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you.” We are not alone in facing our fears!

 2)        Toxic Positivity

 Being positive is a beautiful attribute. However, when we exercise it in such a way that we deny reality, it becomes a toxic trait. This can be the case in using positivity to respond to the “ifs” of life.

Reality is that sometimes the “ifs” we do think do happen. To respond to them in such a way as “I’m fine. Everything’s fine!” is not helpful because we are not fine. We may be scared, sad, disappointed, overwhelmed, mad, and a host of other emotions. If we try to pretend that we do not feel these things, they will rise, and with a vengeance, because our feelings do not like to be ignored.

In my mid-thirties, I was seen as Miss Positive. I always had a smile and could find the rainbow in the tornado. I appeared extroverted and the life of the party. No one had a clue how depressed I was, how close I was simply to not waking up one day. Eventually, I ran out of positivity. My other emotions were tired of being unheard, and they surfaced, what felt like, all at once. I was miserable! But it was in this place, in this reality, that I could receive the healing I needed. Once I named my experience, my pain, my ifs, my emotions, I could move through what I was experiencing.

Jesus tells us in John 16:33, “In this world, you will have trouble.” There is no false assumption that we are free and clear of pain once we know Christ. However, he also tells us in the same verse “But take heart! I have overcome the world.” There is someone facing the “ifs” with us and fighting for us!

Rather than face our “ifs” with this idea that everything will be fine, we would be wise to face them with reality: not everything may be fine, but we are strong and God is fighting for us (Exodus 14:14) so that we may work through the reality of the pain, disappointment, sadness or fear we may be enduring.

3)        And

Reality is a hard place to live. Most of us would love to live a life free from whatever burdens we bear. However, that is not the world in which we live. Yet, the life we live does not have to be shadowed by the reality of the “ifs.” It can live in the land of AND.

 Some “ifs” that come to pass suck. There is no easy way around that. However, some “ifs” produce beautiful results! Not all “ifs” have to be scary. Some are exciting and joyful, others are frightening, and some are both! For instance, one “if” that can freeze me is “What if I fail?” That is a legit reality and question. What if I fail as a writer? What if I fail as a therapist? What if I fail as a wife? All of these are viable “ifs” that could happen because I am human. I am capable of failing. However, this is not the end of the story. Yes, I may fail (reality), AND, I can try again (also reality). Yes, I may fail AND I can make amends. If my goal is to not fail, I will be disappointed because that is an unachievable goal. However, when I accept my humanity, and hold space for reality, I also have the opportunity to see the rainbow after the storm, allowing for the AND to increase my faith rather than focusing on the “ifs” that may undermine my faith.

Reaching the place of AND is a hard road to travel; however, we can be encouraged that when we face troubles, “…those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary.” (Isaiah 40:31)

Final Thoughts

There will be days filledwith fear, worry, regret, and you fill in the blank. The goal is not to experience these days. Rather it is to notice what we are experiencing and accept the reality of these moments. When we hold space for our “ifs,” we also hold space for God to “Rise up and help us; rescue us because of your unfailing love” (Psalm 44:26).