Spiritual Gaslighting: What it is and How to Address it
The term gaslighting was the “word of the year” declared by Merriam-Webster in 2022. It is a word that has become so commonplace in our language that it has reached cliché status. While it may be a cliché, the impact of gaslighting is far more beyond the mundane. Then add in its use in the spiritual realm, and we have a cosmic explosion happening in the hearts and minds of God’s children when spiritual gaslighting is used.
What is Spiritual Gaslighting?
Gaslighting originates from the film Gas Light directed by Patrick Hamilton. It is the story of a married couple whose relationship is founded on deceit and manipulation. The husband, who is both cunning and morally bankrupt, determines to make his wife go insane to steal from her. The husband lowers the gas-powered lights in their house trying to drive his wife insane because when she points out their dimness, the husband disputes that the lights dimmed. This is calculated emotional abuse which leads the wife to question her certainty, sense of self, and more.
While that may have been in film, it happens in reality too. “Are you sure that’s what I said?” was a gaslighting I received from a former boss. Employees were encouraged to speak out because he desired to have a “safe” workplace for everyone. However, when I did speak out because I saw inconsistencies, I would receive “Are you sure that is what I said?” Not only was this manipulation, but this was also an attack on my hearing. He knew I wore hearing aids and would center things in such a way to attempt to convince me that I had misheard him. What better way to make someone second guess themselves than to use his/her weakness against him or her. I would love to say that I stood firm agaisnt the gaslighting, but I did not. I did nto recognize for a long while what was happening. However, God is good and opened my eyes to exactly what was happening.
The goal of gaslighting is for a perpetrator to remain in control. Maybe your experiene sounded like this , “You are always imagining things,” “You are wrong. You just want me to look bad,” or “You’re getting angry over that? You are being too sensitive.” This is by no means an exhaustive list of gaslighting statements, but it provides an idea of how it can sound.
Now let’s add in the spiritual component.
I was angry and hurt at what some friends had done who were part of my Christian community. When I tried to explore this with others to assess whether I was viewing this correctly, I was met with “Jesus tells us to forgive,” or “Kill them with kindness. Remember, we are to be kind because Jesus was kind.” This was spiritual bypass at finest. My feelings in this were certainly not validated, and the spiritual bypass added a level of fear, not healing. The spiritual bypass was a form of spiritual gaslighting that was more detrimental than simply gaslighting. Not only was I left with guilt for not forgiving with the snap of my fingers, but also left with a fear of disappointing God and not being a “good enough” Christian. It was a double whammy!
Through much healing I have learned to trust God’s word as he has designed it, and I am able to stand firm in it when I am met with spiritual gaslighting. But this did not happen in a day. It has taken much practice and discipline. Yet, through three practices, I have been able to identify and address spiritual gaslighting when it happens.
Three Practices to Identify and Address Spiritual Gaslighting
1) Trust yourself
God intricately designed our bodies. He knit us together in our mother’s womb, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). He created our minds with an alarm system that allows us to know when a boundary has been crossed or something is harmful. Our bodies will respond to the event. Our heart may race, our stomach may be in knots, we feel our face flush, or we may need get out of our surroundings. We need to notice that. That is indicator something is happening that should not be.
When we notice our bodily responses, we do not need to dismiss ourselves, no matter how dismissive the other person may be of us. Our feelings, what we are experiencing is valid, even if the other person does not deem it so. And that is one of the purposes of spiritual gaslighting, to make us second guess ourselves, feelings, or actions. However, God has provided us with internal beacons, if you will, to identify what is of him and not of him.
1 John 3:7 states, “Dear children, don’t let anyone deceive you about this: when people do what is right, it shows that they are righteous, even as Christ is righteous.” When we know the heart of God, we can know when someone else’s, or our own, actions are not in accordance with God. We can trust ourselves in that! We can remain certain that God has given us opportunity for discernment to know what is happening in us and to us.
2) Know God’s word
Spiritual gaslighting can take many forms and one is through spiritual bypass. When someone uses God’s word, spiritual ideas, religious tenants in way that goes against God’s character, spiritual bypass is at the helm. Therefore, we need to be grounded in God’s word not only for the sake of drawing near to him, but also to battle what may be catapulted at us in the name of Christ.
Ephesians 6:10-18 provides us the armor we are to wear to battle against the enemy’s schemes. One of the pieces given us for this battle is the “…sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” (vs. 17). How can we know if what is being said to us is spiritual gaslighting, not of God’s character, is not part of God’s truth if we never spend time in his word? It is hard to go into battle with no way to fight. We must be ready for battle because the enemy “…prowls around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8).
When we know God’s word, when we hide it in our heart (Psalm 119:11), we can discern spiritual gaslighting for what it is and call it out. We will have what we need to stand firm in Christ allowing him to be the lens through which we see the actions of others.
3) Know when to walk away
When we are facing spiritual gaslighting, the person may or may not be aware of their actions. In my research, most of the participants stated they believed the spiritual bypass they endured was intentional, but the harm was unintentional. Participants believed the people committing the bypass truly believed what they were saying; however, they did not recognize the harm their words were wielding.
Even when individuals are unaware of how their words are being received, they are still responsible for them. We do have a right to set a boundary and communicate to people when they are hurting us. While we are responsible for how we deliver the boundary, we are not responsible for how the other person receives our boundary. If someone is unwilling to receive our boundary, that is an indicator that spiritual gaslighting may be happening. Therefore, if someone is unwilling to honor our boundary, is not approachable, the best thing we may do, and sometimes the safest thing we can do, is walk away from them, the relationship, and, possibly, even the community.
Ephesians 4:29 states, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” When someone is using spiritual gaslighting, their language is not encouraging or helpful. It hurts. We are allowed to acknowledge and communicate that. However, we also need to be wise and under enough self-control not to fight harmful words with harmful words. Again, we may need to walk away not only to remove ourselves from the harm of someone else, but also to check ourselves.
Final Thoughts
Scripture is clear that God’s children are precious and if anyone harms them or leads them away from him, those who do so will face severe consequences (Matthew 18:6). And we are all God’s children. God did not design his word to ever be a weapon we should use against each other. If you have been wounded with God’s word, know that is not his heartbeat. He desires hope and healing for you. Through trusting ourselves, knowing God’s word, and removing ourselves from harmful environments and people, we can know the God who “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).