Soul Cravings Series: Conditional Connections
In 2018 the term hangry officially entered the Oxford English Dictionary. I guess enough of us were not eating on time that society recognized our cravings! Too bad our soul cravings are not recognized as readily. And when they are not kept in check, they can lead to us to harmful habits resulting in costly connections.
Soul wounds, as noted in the previous blog, are deep and cravings emerge to soothe those wounds. These cravings are strong, and we often will do what is necessary to calm them even it is harmful. One such craving is that of connection.
Connections
We are born to connect. Neurobiologically and scripturally we know this. Neurobiology has found that when connection is threatened, that threat will excite the back of the brain alerting it to danger. Additionally, the discovery of mirror neurons demonstrates our capacity to learn new skills, gain understanding, and establish substantial emotional connections with those in and around us as well as understand the motivations behind the actions of others.
Moreover, scripturally the whole Bible is about relationships: relationship with God, with others, and with ourselves. Proverbs 27:17 reminds us that one person can “sharpen” another and help each other grow. John 3:16 is the pinnacle of Jesus’s love for us and our relationship to him and him to us. And John 15:12 reminds us that our love is meant to be shared as we love our neighbor as Christ has loved us. As we can see, we are not meant to meant island unto ourselves.
However, because of trauma and attachment, the very thing our souls crave is the very thing we fear: connection. Due to our fear, yet our craving for connection, we find ourselves often engaging in conditional connections: codependency and disconnect.
Conditional Connections
Codependency is when we allow our behavior to waiver on another’s behavior. It is a safety feature our brain has employed to keep us safe because we did not receive the attachment, care, and love we needed as children. As a child, we may have people pleased, tried to be perfect, or super independent, all to earn the praise and validation we so desperately wanted. However, our worth/value/significance was never meant to be bargained. It was never meant to be a conditional piece of our being. It was our caregivers’ job to supply us that freely; however, if that did not occur, we as adults will rely on another person’s actions and reaction to determine our own reaction so that we may remain safe, remain connected. We are, essentially, reactionaries. But we are not reactionary because we desire to be, but because it is the way we have beenconditioned to be.
I can certainly attest to this. I am the poster child for codependency. The first time I went to a therapist he asked me something about my shoes, and I just looked at him lost. I was frozen with fear of what would happen if I answered incorrectly. But there was no wrong answer.
Yet I sat staring at him with my fear-stricken face waiting out the therapeutic pause. Finally, he broke the silence with, “You don’t even know it is okay to tie your own shoes.” He was right. I could not make a move (emotionally, mentally, or physically) without knowing the moves of others around me. I had been walking the codependent road since I was nine and relied heavily on other’s actions and responses to know whether I mattered, I was loved, or good enough. And that road grew longer and stronger with every abusive relationship I entered. Nothing about codependency felt good. However, it was the only way I knew to survive.
Another attempt we make to remain safe and free from pain is to disconnect. We may appear connected, but only superficially. Internally, we have our walls up and covered in barbwire with a moat surround those walls. We are not going to give anyone a chance to get close enough to hurt us. We may have convinced ourselves that we need no one. Yet, because we are built to connect, we wind up in a tug of war. The spiritual and neurobiological tug moves us toward people so that we may have the connection our souls desire, yet we push away or deny those longings to give us the illusion of safety.
This tug-of-war occurs often due to fear and shame. We may experience shame because caregivers told us we were worthless, or we were shown we were not worth fighting for. Our worth and value was conditional based on our caregivers’ words and actions. As adults we are hypervigilant to rejection and abandonment (real or perceived) and will neutralize any threat that appears like it might be rejection or abandonment.
Additionally, we may fear intimacy, vulnerability, and truly being known because we have witnessed these elements become a weapon used against us as children or in other relationships. We may draw near to people, but the moment that things begin to shift and go deep, we high tail it to the nearest exit. We find ways to self-sabotage, push people away, or make them angry enough to leave. And while we sit in anguish of the loss of the relationship, we also feel a sense of relief that we have thwarted another impending catastrophe. Our internal self is high-fiving our alarm system and banishing all our emotions to a jail cell made just for them. But this can only last so long.
Healthy Connections
While our experiences may have shaped our habits of connecting, we can break harmful habits. Our harmful habits do not have to be our forever habits. While shifting our forms of connection may be hard and exhausting at first, it will be well worth it as we form healthy and long-lasting connections. Here are three ways to connect in healthy ways:
1) Love yourself
As Christ-followers, it is important for us to love others. But that is not the rest of Matthew 19:19. We are to love our neighbors as ourselves. How are you doing loving yourself?
Loving yourself does not mean an arrogant, hubris, narcissistic type of love. It is love of self that recognizes we are children of the one true King who knit us together and knows every part of us. It is a love that recognizes our value and worth because of Jesus’ death on the cross for us. It is a recognition that Jesus does call us to live an abundant life. He has made this available to our neighbor as well as to us!
When we love ourselves, we will lessen the need to seek this from others. When we are seeking our self-worth, love, and value from others, we allow others to define us and determine our worth leading us to codependent connections. That is not what God desires for us! He longs for us to know we are “royal priesthood, a people belonging to God” and to live in that truth (1 Peter 2:9)!
2) Prayer
When I decided to get my life right with God and truly turn everything over to him, I had to leave current unhealthy relationships and friendships behind. Since both my parents died, and without these relationships, I was truly alone. I cried out to God to provide me a community, a support system. He led me to Psalm 68:6 “God sets the lonely in families.” And that he did!
We all have the same opportunity. We can all cry out to God. We can cry out about our loneliness, pain, and longings to receive other people in our lives. God will hear us. However, God may not answer in the ways we thought he might. Therefore, we would be wise to be open to what He has for us and the way He may supply satisfaction to our cravings for connection. We do not want miss out on His offering because we wanted it to look or be a certain way.
3) Discernment
I wish I could tell you I was a master of discernment; however, I still struggle in this department when my cravings kick up. I have made unwise choices in friendships, relationships, and work environments because of my soul wounds and cravings even after all the healing I have had.
However, this is not the end of my story, or yours. Through much prayer, and acknowledgement of our wounds, we can better implement discernment. Discernment is a spiritual discipline that we can practice daily. James 1:5 tells us, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God.” As with any new skill, practicing discernment for healthy connection can be arduous. Yet, the more we practice it, the better at discernment we will become.
Something we must also consider as we incorporate discernment: if we ignore the warning signs God gives us, the discernment He provides, that is on us. If we want healthy relationships, we may have to let go of current relationships or shift how we work within them (i.e. within a marriage or child/parent dynamic). That is hard, and it will hurt. Yet, if we choose to continue the harmful habits that lead to costly connections, that is a choice we are making. Again, though, we can pray for the strength and wisdom to move toward healthy connections and let go of harmful habits.
Final Thoughts
Conditional connections such as codependency and disconnect rob us of God’s desire for us to connect with each other, to strengthen each other, and have community with each other. However, through loving ourselves, prayer, and discernment, we can take back what the enemy has stolen from us: each other. We can confidently and boldly stand strong in Christ knowing that when we “Seek first God’s kingdom and what God wants. All your other needs will be met as well” including healthy connections (Matthew 6:33).