Perfectionism Exposed: Its Lies and the Truths that will Set You Free
This weekend my mind became the main battleground for thoughts to throw punches. My mind launched a tirade of thoughts that had me creating scenarios that were not even worth the battle! Yet, I entertained them all. It was not until last night while lying in bed being robbed of sleep that I recognized the culprit: Perfectionism.
The Paradox of Perfect
The term perfect is defined as “Being entirely without fault or defect; satisfying all requirements; lacking no essential detail; absolute, complete.” Just reading that definition made me anxious! That is a lot to strive for, yet many of us attempt it every day.
As we can see from the definition, perfectionism is the attempt for us to reach goals without fault, lacking no essential detail and for this goal to be absolute and complete. We strive for something, yet is it truly possible? And by whose standards? And will it ever be complete?
I often tell people that I am a recovering perfectionist. In all actuality, I really was a failure at being a perfectionist. The harder I tried to achieve a goal, the more likely I was to miss the mark. Hence, the paradox. The more perfection I tried to reach, the more I failed to reach it.
Through my own experience and healing, I learned that often perfectionism is covering woundings we endured childhood. For instance, these woundings may have led us to believe that if we tried hard enough, we would matter. Or If we were perfect, we could be lovable. For much of my childhood neural pathways such as “I’m not good enough, I have to be perfect, I did something wrong, I am not worthy, I am unlovable” were solidified. The older I became, the more I tried to be perfect to keep these thoughts away and obtain the love and acceptance I so desparately sought. However, perfection was always out of reach either because I kept moving the mark or because the other person did. It simply was never attainable, and, subsequently, neither was my worth, so it felt.
While I sometimes find myself back in this battlefield, it is much less than it used to be. God has allowed me to see the pain of what I sometimes strive for and the truth that will set me free. Like me, maybe this is truth you need as well.
1) The lie: There is a Perfect
Believing there is a perfect is a lie in and of itself. The only “perfect” that walked this earth is Christ. However, the enemy has been lying about this since the beginning of time. It is his deception that led to the calamity of Adam and Even experiencing perfect in the garden (Genesis 3:1-7). And he still uses this tactic today. He twists things ever so slightly so that we find ourselves caught in a rat race of perfectionism where the goal line is always moving.
The truth: We strive for holiness, not perfection
God created our inmost being, knit us together in our mother’s womb. Our days are written in his book before a one has come to be (Psalm 139). He knows us! And He loves us! While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)! We do not have to be perfect to receive his love, forgiveness, mercy, or anything else.
God does call us to “be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). However, the perfect spoken of here is known as telos. Telos means to be “mature” or “fully equipped.” Christ tells us that God is the ultimate standard, but humans cannot achieve that perfection. We are, however, found without blemish in Christ as we strive to live a life of holiness, not perfection.
2) The lie: Being perfect equals love, value, and worthiness
When we strive to please others by performing or attempting perfection for their pleasure, we stand outside our own story. We are no longer active participants in our living, but merely bystandards. Brené Brown notes, “[When] we stand outside of our own story, we hustle for our worthiness.” We do not see our own worth, value, or love ourselves, but we rely on other people to determine that for us. This further leads us into the cyclone of perfectionism. This goes against anything God has for us.
The truth: Christ equals love, value and worthiness
God does not require us to be more than he created us to be. We do not need to be perfect or strive for a goal that He did not set for us. He did not call us to be perfect; he called us to “Seek first his kingdom” (Matthew 6:33), “love my neighbor as myself” (Matthew 19:19), “live free indeed” (John 8:36). Perfectionism robs us of all that! Most importantly, perfectionism robs us of the amazing love God has for us. “For God so loved the word that he gave his one and only son that whoever would believe in him would have everlasting life.” No perfection needed. He freely offers us that love daily and that is the type of love in which we can find our value and worthiness!
3) The lie: Perfectionism has no negative impact
There is an errant thought that if we reach perfection in relationships, jobs, faith, etc., that there will be no negative outcomes. We try to obtain perfection to alleviate fear, worry, anxiety, worthlessness, hopelessness, and many other internal hurts. However, perfectionism does quite the opposite. It costs us dearly and can leave a wake of devastation. It plunders our relationships, disillusions us in jobs, and exploits our faith. Perfectionism can negatively impact all facets of our lives.
The truth: Perfect love is for us
The perfection God desires us to know is his love. In Him, we experience freedom (John 10:10), hope (Romans 15:13), worthiness (1 Peter 2:9), and perfect love (Ephesians 3:18-19). There is nothing that can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39, John 10:28). No mistakes, bad day, or anything else will make us less lovable, worthy, or valuable. He died on the cross for us to experience his amazing love and conquered death and hell for that love to be ours throughout eternity. Amen!
Final Thoughts
Releasing the goal of perfection is a hard, especially if it is where we have found our value and worth. However, as we take steps to accept and rest in God’s perfect love for us, we expand our opportunity to live free, free indeed (John 8:36)!