Myth Busters: The Truth about Forgiveness
When you see the word forgiveness, what are images or thoughts that come to mind? For many of us there is a strong connection to this word and sometimes it is a healthy connection and sometimes it is not. Misconceptions often underly the unhealthy tether we have to forgiveness. In dispelling the myths of forgiveness toward others and embracing the truth of it, maybe there will be an opportunity to engage forgiveness in a new healthy way.
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is an emotional process that starts with an offense. That is, when an incident happens, the person recognizes the wrongdoing, feels anger and fear, dwells on the violation, and experiences negative feelings like resentment, contempt, and anger. Forgiveness is the process of replacing the negative feelings with neutral or even positive emotions (Rowell et al., 2019). This can happen both psychologically and spiritually.
Psychologically, when someone practices forgiveness, this transforms a person’s thoughts, emotions, physical reactions, intentions, behaviors, and relationships (Haikola, 2023). This allows for the individual to experience “letting go” within the body, heart, and mind. Additionally, forgiveness can be experienced spiritually. Forgiveness is a core tenant in Christianity. Jesus calls us to forgive others as he has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). When we practice this deep soul forgiveness, we often experience less stress, are resilient in facing hardships, and achieve personal growth (Haikola, 2023).
Overall, forgiveness is the conscious process to move forward on the path of forgiveness. Forgiveness allows for both positive psychological and spiritual outcomes that improve a person’s well-being. However, there are some myths surrounding what forgiveness truly is that and how to practice it that may result in more confusion and frustration for those working through forgiveness.
The Myths
Myth 1: Forgive AND forget
Offenses are an essential component of human existence and relationships. It is a part of rupture and repair of relationships. When faced with a rupture, there are roughly three options: vengeance, ruminate and let it go, or forgive. For many people, the latter choice seems to be the toughest (Haikola, 2023). However, many individuals still strive to forgive. They run into a snag, however, when told to forget the offense.
First, this idea of “forgive and forget” is not a biblical mandate. Forgiveness is, but forgetting is not. Jesus calls us to forgive; there is no getting around that. However, nowhere in scripture does he require us to forget. It is possible to forgive someone without forgetting what they have done. Additionally, without memory, there is no proof for wrongdoing and consequently no means to participate in an act of forgiveness (McCarroll & Dings, 2023). Jeffrey Blustein notes, “Forgiveness is not genuine forgiveness…if it merely results from forgetting the wrong that was done.” This does not mean we hold onto resentment or bitterness. Rather, it means that we do not forget the wrong so that we are less likely to endure again.
Additionally, to forget offenses means we set ourselves up to be repeatedly hurt. Patterns of behavior tell us a story about ourselves and others. We need to notice those patterns so that we can protect ourselves through setting boundaries or ending unhealthy relationships.
Myth 2: Forgiving equals reconciliation
Forgiveness requires the act of one person. However, reconciliation requires both parties to be active in restoring the relationship. What is someone to do if the other person is not willing to reconcile?
As one can see, forgiveness cannot always equal reconciliation because the other person may not be willing to correct the wrong he or she has committed or simply may not want to be in the relationship any longer. Both of those elements are out of the forgiver’s control. Additionally, not all relationships need to be reconciled. Some relationships and people are unhealthy and would only harm individuals further should they remain in the relationship. Lastly, while God desires to reconcile us to himself and sent his son as a sacrifice so we could be with him, he does not call us to always reconcile with others.
Matthew 18:15-17 gives instruction on how to address someone who has offended another. While Jesus does communicate how reconciliation may occur, he does not command us to reconcile. Again, reconciliation requires two people and if one is not willing to participate in the reconciliation, there can be none.
Myth 3: Forgiveness means no more pain
To never feel the pain of an act is to be numb. Numbness serves no one. Embracing the feelings that accompany an offense allows us to learn boundaries, more about ourselves, and about the other person.
Additionally, the pain of an offensive act may linger even after forgiving. It is a wound, and wounds takes time to heal. And sometimes those wounds will pulse. We will engage a reminder, trigger, or another person that reminds us of that act that caused pain. This may bring about feelings of anger, sadness, and resentment. This does not mean that we have not forgiven or are not working toward forgiveness. It simply means we have been hurt, and we acknowledge that hurt giving ourselves the experience to move through the pain to a place of healing.
Myth 4: Forgiveness is supposed to happen instantly
It is not uncommon to hear people quote Ephesians 4:26 when it comes to working toward forgiveness: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” However the verse before that is often forgotten, “In your anger, do not sin.” Anger is a natural emotion that occurs when our boundaries have been crossed; however, what we do with that anger can become the sin.
Forgiveness is a process. Sometimes it is second by second, minute by minute, day by day process. To the person who just found out her spouse was cheating on her, the father whose neighbor has been harming his child, or the kind boss who gave the worker a chance and found him stealing, a person will be angry and for a hot minute. The sun will go down, and her or she will still be angry, hurt, disappointed, sad, scared, and possibly a ton of other emotions. We have emotions, visceral responses to pain, and sometimes our thoughts go to unhealthy places. This is where we need to be careful not to find ourselves acting in sin. We must practice the act of forgiveness to not find ourselves stuck in bitterness, resentment, and a host of other unhealthy emotions and behaviors.
Dr. Henry Cloud observes, “Forgiveness gives me boundaries because it unhooks me from the hurtful person, and then I can act responsibly, wisely. If I am not forgiving them, I am still in a destructive relationship with them.” Forgiveness is hard. Bitterness, resentment, hate is even harder. To continue in a state of unforgiveness will produce its own stress. We can either work the process of forgiveness knowing there is peace at the end of the journey, or we struggle with unforgiveness with no end in sight still tethered to the person who hurt us. It is our choice.
Myth 5: Forgiveness does not mean condoning the behavior
One of the hardest paths of forgiveness is when people do not acknowledge the pain they have caused. Whether that be due to their unwillingness to accept responsibility for their actions or knowing that to confront them would cause a person more harm or the person has died, we have had to walk away and walk a long road of forgiveness toward those individuals without any acknowledgement.
This has occurred in my own life. I felt the individuals who wronged me “got away with it” because I would see them thriving and hear people talk about how wonderful these people were knowing I endured pain from them. It just did not feel right; however, God provided me two insights on this matter:
One day while in an environment surrounded by some of these individuals, feeling my heart race, and the anger rise, God whispered to me, “You do not have to like them. You do not have to be their friends. However, you do have to honor me in how you treat them.”
“Vengeance is mine. And sometimes vengeance will be through your success.”
Notice, God did not call me to avenge anything. I surrendered that desire and allowed him to do his work. And he brought me peace. When we forgive, we are not condoning what people have done. We are allowing ourselves the freedom to no longer be under the weight of carrying out the justice we believe the people deserve or carrying the need to make their behaviors known. We return that responsibility back to God and allow him to do what only He can.
With this being said, in no way am I advocating that you should close your eyes to harmful acts committed against you. Sometimes involving legal authorities and other persons are necessary for yours or your loved ones’ protection. However, when possible, know that you walking away does not equate condoning what has happened to you. It simply means you want the peace that is rightfully yours.
Conclusion
Forgiveness can be an arduous process filled with ups and downs. However, when we understand the myths surrounding forgiveness, we allow ourselves to embrace its truth: forgiveness can happen, and it is a process that takes time. God does honor the process of our work towards forgiveness and, “Anything you ask in my name, I will do it” including strength to forgive others who have hurt us (John 14:14).
References
Haikola, A. (2023). Conversations with God: How Are Religion and Spirituality Used to Make Sense of Forgiveness? Pastoral Psychology., 72(5), 693–709. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11089-023-01081-z
McCarroll, C. J., & Dings, R. (2023). Putting the Past into Perspective. Remembering, Reappraising, and Forgiving. Revista de Estudios Sociales., 86, 13–28. https://doi.org/10.7440/res86.2023.02
Rowell, P. C., Cashwell, C. S., & Zambrowicz, R. (2020). Calm in the storm: The influence of spirituality, dispositional forgiveness, and god concept on anxiety. Journal of Spirituality in Mental Health, 22(3), 240-251. https://doi.org/10.1080/19349637.2019.1593916