Jesus Said there Would be Days Like This: Steps for Overcoming those Days
Living life is no easy task. We can have all the money, all the knowledge, all the celebrity fanfare and still feel lonely, isolated, and hopeless. We may look in the mirror hoping this day would disappear, we would disappear. While some days may be almost intolerable to endure, there are ways through the hardest, darkest, and bleakest of days.
The Days
I grew up with many “unwritten rules,” especially after my dad died. These are rules that are not stated, but we gather from interactions, responses of others, etc. After my dad’s passing, one of the unwritten rules I learned was that we do not talk about feelings or hard things in my family. Instead, we pretend we are fine, distract, get angry, or ignore the problem or person.
Fast forward to me as an adult, and what did I do when feelings or hard things arose? Ignore, get angry, suppress, and explode. The explosion was my adult version of a tantrum. Once I let it out all my body, heart, and mind held in, I began the process all over again. While I was not aware at the time why I was doing this, it still cost me. It cost me relationships, happiness, peace, and even my health-physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
There were days I appeared to be the happiest person on the planet. I could work a crowd, classroom, and conversation. Most people would never look at me and believe all the swirling storm inside of me. Until the explosion happened around, with, or to them. Recovering from those days were some of my darkest days.
There came a day though where I simply could not endure the extreme ups and downs anymore. For me, it truly was God’s intervening hand, the work of the Holy Spirit on my heart. No, I did not wake up totally healed. I had to work to heal. But God gave me the strength I needed to do so. He will give you the strength you need as well.
No, life is not easy to live, but it can still be enjoyable. There are steps we can take to endure the hardest of days and accept the strength God supplies for the journey on which we are embarking.
Steps to Enduring the Days
1) Notice that
Often we become so accustomed to the pain and chaos of our lives, we no longer notice the pain or chaos around or within us. Therefore, one of the first steps in enduring the hard days is to notice the hard days. When I work with clients, I often ask them to “notice that.” Notice their feelings, their bodily reactions, and their thoughts. One might think it is easy to do this, yet it is anything but easy!
Staying present with our feelings and thoughts requires a lot of practice and strength. And, if we are honest, most of us would rather not know what we are feeling or thinking many times. However, we cannot heal what we do not feel. We cannot change our thoughts if we never acknowledge them. When we take time to notice what we are feeling and thinking, we have more opportunity to shift those feelings and thoughts to more tolerable and healthy thoughts and feelings. We have more opportunity to think on “whatever is right, pure, noble, lovely, and admirable” (Philippians 4:8).
2) Acceptance of the truth
After noticing what we feel, accepting it comes next. We may find ourselves in a struggle with this. We may have been taught certain feelings were acceptable while others were not. We may have been taught mantras such as “Kill them with kindness” or “Do not let them steal your joy” when others have wronged us. When scripture, spiritual mantras, or religious ideas are responses to our pain from others, we experience spiritual bypass happening toward us, which may lead us to believe that we are wrong for feeling or thinking certain things. Now, how we act in those feelings can be a sin or if we allow our unhealthy thoughts to manifest, we may sin. However, we are human, and we are allowed to feel and be hurt. The sooner we accept our feelings and thoughts, the sooner we can heal the hurt and replace the unhealthy thoughts with new thoughts.
While the Bible may not tell us how neural pathways are built or why feelings arise, it does tell us how to navigate them. Colossians 3:2 reminds us to think on things above. This does not mean we ignore our thoughts or pretend like we do not have them. However, we are responsible for shifting them, for surrendering them so that we may think on things above. This is not a one-time practice either. It is something moment by moment we may need to practice.
Our feelings can be fickle. But that does not make them any less real. Sometimes we really are angry, bitter, overwhelmed, or sad. This is not a sin! We are human. We will have feelings. What we need to be mindful of is that feelings can fester. If we suppress our feelings, if we pretend they do not exist, we will create prime ground for an explosion to happen. Additionally, God does not call us not to feel. He knew this world would have trouble (John 16:33), he knew that we would at times endure difficult circumstances (James 1:12), and he knew full well that suffering would be something we faced (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). Therefore, as we learn to accept our feelings and thoughts through any circumstance, we have an opportunity to shift them and heal them.
3) Ask for help
While prayer, fasting, and reading scripture are helpful to endure our circumstances, sometimes we need to ask the people God has placed on this earth for help. Sometimes that may be a pastor, a godly wise friend, and sometimes that is a professional. This does not make us weak. The strongest thing we may ever do is ask for help.
When we ask for help, we have an opportunity to notice and accept what we are experiencing while being guided on a healthy and honest journey of healing. Jesus even instructs us to ask for what we need (Mark 11:24; John 11:22; John 14:13). Additionally, 2 Corinthians 1 reminds us of the power of helping one another. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 also directs us to encourage and build up one another. We are not doing anything wrong, being weak, or being less Christian when we ask for help. We actually may be doing some of our most necessary spiritual work when we ask for help.
4) Holding space for more
Sometimes we are led to believe we can only experience one feeling, thought, idea, etc. We can either be sad or happy; scared or strong; calm or anxious. We can either like/love someone or not like them. And the list could go on and on. However, this world is not so cut and dry.
I endured spiritual bypass and abuse, and due to extenuating circumstances, still attended the church in which the bypass and abuse occurred. For a long time, I could barely sit through a service. I felt I was being “unChrist” like because I did not like these people but am called to love them. I also struggled with being angry at them because God calls us to forgive. I was trying to do either. Either love them and forgive or dislike them and be angry. Neither felt right. Then God happened.
One day I am sitting in the service picking apart everything the pastor is saying when the Holy Spirit dropped in. He gently told me, “It is okay to be hurt. It is okay not to like them. However, honor me in how you treat them.” From that day forward, I have felt the calm amid the turmoil. I have held space for both not liking them and remembering they are still children of God. This has allowed me to honor God through loving my neighbor as myself (James 2:8).
It is not easy to hold space for more than one feeling or thought, but once we learn how to do it, it can be freeing. As we practice this, we find that we offer ourselves acceptance for what we are feeling leading us to a place of healing.
Final Thoughts
Hard, painful, chaotic days will come. However, when we learn to notice our feelings, thoughts, etc., accept what is happening within us, ask for help if needed, and hold space for more than just one thought or feeling, we can accept those difficult days knowing joy, hope, and peace are with us always. In doing this, we experience the full life God has called us to live (John 10:10).