“If you had only been here”: Living through the Circumstances that Disappoint

Have you ever wanted something so much but receiving what you wanted depended on someone else? I know I have. Waiting on someone else can be frustrating! We may feel out of control of the situation, and certainly out of control of the outcome. And if the person does not arrive on time, or at all, we may blame our disappointment on whoever it is that does not come through for us.

Even if that person is Jesus.

“If you had only been there”

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the story of Lazarus. It is a story that encompasses so much, but for me encompassed the need for others. It was others that sent for Jesus to heal him, it was others who rolled away the stone, and it was others who unbound him from his grave clothes. This was the crux of the story for me until recently.

My husband and I like to listen to podcasts, music, and sermon series when we travel. Recently we listened to Andy Stanley as he provided a different outlook on the story of Lazarus that has now captured my attention. He focused on the necessity of the death as well as the disappointment Mary and Martha endured. This may not seem like a sermon that would be very uplifting, yet I am now even more captivated by the story of Lazarus.

There are so many key words Jesus speaks in the story of Lazarus, but there are also key words Mary and Martha speak. When Jesus finally arrives, Lazarus has been dead for four days. Mary and Martha hear of Jesus’ arrival and rather than run to him and embrace him, Martha walks out possibly with hands on her hips and a scowl on her face as she breathes the words, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Ah, the blame has come. And she is not the only one. Later Mary repeats those same words. They are disappointed that they, being some of the closest to Jesus, and Lazarus, the one Jesus loved (John 11:3), experienced the death of their brother. If only Jesus had been there.

Do we not speak, cry out, scream out, weep out the same words at times? Our disappointment at the forefront for the One who can heal and deliver, yet did not deliver my parents from cancer, my husband’s daughter from death, your mental anguish, your marriage, and the list may go on. We may reach a place where our circumstances have become the indicator of God’s presence and absence leaving us frustrated and disappointed.

But our circumstances are not an indicator of God’s presence or absence. Our circumstances are a result of living in world full of trouble (John 16:33). It is a world of trouble that faces a God who knows our disappointment, our frustration, our anger, our pain and weeps with us. While God may not always provide deliverance from the circumstances, he will provide us a way through the circumstances.

Three Ways to Live Through Circumstances that Disappoint

 1)     Grieving

 Mary and Martha cared for their brother. It pained them to watch Lazarus be sick to the point of death. However, that might not have been their only grief. They may have grieved that Jesus, whom they loved and served, did not come in their time of need.

Regardless of the purpose of Lazarus’ death and resurrection, Mary and Martha experienced the pain of loss, frustration of cries unheard, and disappointment in what appeared to be Jesus’ lack of care for them and their brother. Their first words to Jesus upon his arrival were words of blame, not praise. And Jesus did not reprimand them. Instead, he wept with them; he entered their pain (John 11:35). He entered their pain in such a way that even the public noticed (John 11:36).

We typically run from grieving rather than to it. However, grieving is necessary for enduring our circumstances. To pretend as though we do not feel angry, sad, scared, lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed and all the other emotions that encompass grief only detains us from working through our circumstances. However, when we release ourselves to feel, to weep, we also release ourselves to heal. We release ourselves to see Jesus in our pain as he weeps with us.

 2)    Questioning

We may have all experienced the incessant questioning of a child (or been that child!). Questions from “Are we there yet?” to “If there is an overwhelmed, what is just whelmed?” And some of those are spread out over days, and sometimes they come within two second spans! These questions may make us frustrated and annoyed because we are only human. However, Jesus was both fully human and is fully God. He does not get annoyed or frustrated with our questions. He allows us the space to bring the questions.

One can only suspect that Mary and Martha had a few questions for Jesus. Maybe they asked in their grief, “Where were you? How could you heal the blind, but not our brother? With all the devotion and love we have given you, how could you not do this one thing for us? Why did you say that anything we ask in your name will be given, and you could not give us one simple thing: healing our brother?” Again, there is no record of these questions in scripture. But I suspect they may have asked these questions because I have asked these questions. Maybe you have asked these questions too.

And God allows us to ask. He sits with us in the doubt, frustration, anger, and pain. Sometimes the answers come, and sometimes they do not. While some of us have exited this season of questioning, others are just now entering it. No matter where we are in the journey, we can know that if the Father sent the son to show us what the Father is like, then we can rest assured that the Father weeps with us in your pain regardless of the blame we assign or the questions we ask. Asking the questions, expressing our pain can draw us nearer to God rather than away from God. We do not need to fear the questions.

 3)    Accepting

There is no timeline for the process of grief, disappointment, anger, etc. There is no expiration date on pain. Yet, even during our grieving, our disappointment, our confusion, there is an opportunity for acceptance. But acceptance may not look like what we expect.

Acceptance may be surrendering. Mary and Martha may have blamed Jesus for their brother’s death, but they also recognized Jesus as the Christ (John 11:27). They resigned themselves to Jesus’ will. Even though they knew the stench was there, the tomb would be hard to remove, and that sting of death would have to be engaged again, they let him remove the stone and do what only he can do (John 11:38-40).

Acceptance may be also recognizing we are limited in our humanity. We cannot see beyond the present, nor can we do all that Jesus does. Because we are limited, we do not always see the purpose of the pain. Andy Stanley points out that when the stone was rolled away from Lazarus’ tomb, Jesus prayed. Why would Jesus pray? “For the benefit of those standing here” (John 11: 42). For the benefit of those who wonder why they are experiencing pain. For those who cry themselves to sleep calling on Jesus’ name. The second reason for the prayer was “That they may believe that you sent me” which leads to another form of acceptance.

Accepting that Jesus may work through our pain to reach us and others may be hard to embrace. We may long for a “resurrection” or healing of a body, marriage, or relationship. However, neither resurrection nor healing looks the same for everyone. Sometimes the outcomes of circumstances are for purposes we cannot fathom. Maybe it is so that “they may believe,” so that you, we, may believe in Jesus.

Final Thoughts

All of us have most likely found ourselves in pain, disappointed, and angry. We may have stated, yelled, screamed, cried out “Where were you? If only you had been here, then…” We may feel utterly alone in those moments. But Jesus is with us. As we navigate the difficult circumstances we face, if we will process our grief and voice our questions, then we have an opportunity to reach a place of acceptance. For the same empathy and compassion Jesus showed Mary and Martha, he also gives to us.