Five Lessons in Learning to Lament
I remember the desperation, the all out assault on my soul. I can still feel tinges of it today. I was in a room in Philadelphia at a teacher conference experiencing some of the most anguishing cries my body could produce. And although I was far from the time of Charles Dickens, I can reflect and know that this was the worst of times, and the best of times. While lamenting in no way feels good, it offers a new window to the soul, a chance for healing and hope.
What is Lamenting?
Lamenting and grief can appear the same; however, lamenting goes beyond grief. While it shares characteristics of grief, it is a soul curdling cry that not only shakes the body to the core, but also allows for bold expression to someone to hear our pain. It is an opportunity for connection in our most vulnerable moments.
Neff and McMinn (2020) state that lamenting is relational. There is partnership in the lamenting: someone crying out and someone receiving the cry. We can know that in our most extreme state of sorrow and suffering someone is bearing witness to our souls shattering: Emmanuel, God with us.
In knowing that God is with us in our suffering, there is another defining component to lamenting: praise. Praise in our suffering seems illogical, yet it is often in these moments of praise we push back against hopelessness as McCracken (2022) observes. We endure the worst of times with praise on our lips knowing there is opportunity to experience the best of times.
Five Lessons in Learning to Lament
1) Lamenting is experiencing
We cannot lament what we will not feel. Often, we hold back from feeling our deep wounds because we fear the emotions they evoke or that we are being a “bad Christian” if we feel them and fear disappointing God or others. Additionally, we may silence our cries because we feel we are “complaining.”
Lamenting is not complaining and not a disappointing act. It is a state of raw vulnerability. In the hotel room in Philly, I was releasing all I held onto for months, maybe even years. It was a cry of my pain for God to hear.
David exemplifies lamenting, and he does not diminish his feelings in Psalm 13:1, “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” How many of us cringe at the thought of even thinking that? Yet, David new the heart of God, and he knew that God would not abandon him in his rawest of moments. Crying out these moments with sincerity and honesty is not only good, but also godly.
2) Lamenting is appealing
Lamenting does not end with our cries falling on deaf ears. Remember that lamenting is relational. God is with us in these moments, and he is ready to hear all that we need to say.
To appeal to God is to recognize His authority and power to vindicate us. It is holding space for both our pain and our hope, not either/or. David appealed to God as he cried out “Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes…” (Psalm 13:3). It is in this space we can acknowledge our pain as well as God’s power and might.
3) Lamenting is surrendering
Surrendering our pain is often a work in progress. We sometimes have intimacy with our pain because we have experienced it for so long. To let it go can feel “wrong” or like death of a part of us. Yet, if we are going to appeal to the Father for healing and protection, we must surrender what we are wanting healed.
It is also a surrendering of our rawest self. David surrendered his truest, rawest thoughts, “How long will my enemy triumph over me?...my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will rejoice when I fall” (Psalm 13:2,4). When we give voice to the rawest parts of ourselves, acknowledge the, and surrender our hurt, we allow ourselves freedom to receive from the Father what he desires to give us.
4) Lamenting is trusting
Lamenting does not always yield an answer to our pain. Sometimes it is in our lamenting we are called to trust God before we know an answer, and sometimes we may never know the answer. Having an answer to our pain is not the precursor to trusting God. Trusting in God even when we do not have an answer is part of surrender.
David did not have the answer or see an outcome before he resolved himself, “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation” (Psalm 13:5). It is a breath of trust even in his sorrow. We can hold space for both the sorrow and trust knowing Emmanuel is in the depths with us no matter the answer.
5) Lamenting is praising
Two-thirds of the psalms are laments scholars estimate. God is familiar with our lamenting. As mentioned previously, lamenting is not complaining. To complain is to blame or bring accusation against God (Wright, 2024). Rather, lamenting is an appeal to God that reflects our confidence, trust, and surrender in God. This appeal becomes an opportunity for praise.
Knowing God’s character and believing in the power and goodness of God, David expresses, “I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me” (Psalm 13:5-6). David relies on what he has known, what he has experienced of God to carry him through these anguishing times. When we focus on what we know rather than what we do not know, we enhance our opportunity to offer praise even in our lamenting.
Final Thoughts
As I was in the middle of writing this blog, I had three text messages from three different families within a span of minutes all before 7:15 a.m. letting me know that a family’s loved one or close friend died. It was a rough start to the morning. It became a morning of lamenting. And this will not be the last time I lament. Life will happen, and sometimes that includes the darkest of moments. However, may we remember that even in the depths of our sorrow we can cry out knowing Emmanuel hears us and is with us. If you have trouble finding words for your lament, reading the Psalms may be a place to find language for your lament. Also, the song below may offer you place to start your outpouring as well. We are not alone in our cries. God is with us.
Reason to Sing by All Sons and Daughters
When the pieces seem too shattered
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don't feel you anymore
No I don't feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
When I'm overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I'm afraid I might let go
I'm afraid I might let go
Oh Oh Oh
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
Yeah
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Oh
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands
That is a reason to sing