When Tears are not Enough: Learning to Live in the Presence of Pain
Tears streaming down her face, she asked, “Will it ever end?” The mental anguish present in her life was seeping into relationships, work, and simply her daily functioning. And while I wanted so desperately to tell her it would end and give her the date and time it would end, all I could say with truth was “I cannot guarantee an end, but I can show how to walk the journey you are on.”
We all want the pain stop, right? No one wakes up saying, “It’s a great day to be in pain” no matter the type of pain. Many times we try to bypass the pain through various methods only to find ourselves still facing the same issues causing our anguish, our pain. We want the pain, the tears to stop. But what happens when all our tactics do not make the pain stop? Learning to live in the presence of pain is a reality we may have to face.
The Pain
C.S. Lewis in The Problem of Pain states, “We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” You may read this and think, “Why does He have to shout in my life? I’m quite capable of hearing without being shouted at!” I know I have said this. I have asked “Why me?”
I experienced such loneliness in my mid-thirties. Divorced, single, and no family, I felt as though I was facing the world very alone. I felt like the loneliest person even when surrounded by people. I remember crying out to God with every tear I had one evening, “You took my mom and dad and left me. Why couldn’t you take me too?” There appeared to be no reprieve from the pain, no mountain top in sight, or light at the end of the tunnel. Just darkness.
Thank goodness God never let go of my hand even when I was trying to yank it from His. Amid the darkness, he was leading me. He knew what I needed and revealed himself to me in such a way that I could receive it. He was asking me to trust Him to lead me. And while that was hard to do, I recognized that me trying to lead myself was not working. I was only leading myself to more darkness. When I surrendered to Him, a shift began not only in my soul, but in other areas of my life. This did not mean the pain was over; it simply meant I could face the pain without being overcome by it.
The journey through the valley is not easy for any of us. Some days tears are all we have, and they do not even seem enough to convey the pain, anguish, and desperation in which we are entrenched. The darkness consumes us, and the mountain top is not even visible. However, even in the darkest of moments, we can learn to accept where our journey knowing we are not alone while we are on it.
Learning to Live in the Presence of Pain
1) Community
Scripture is clear that we are not called to live life alone. We need each other. Matthew 18:20 states, “Where two are more are gathered in my name, I will be them also.” And 1 Thessalonians 5:11 conveys, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.” We are called to live this life with others.
While scripture is clear on our need for one another, so is neurobiology. Research has that when there is a threat to connection, the back of the brain (our alarm system) is activated. Our brain goes into fight, flight, or freeze depending on what it needs.
God has created us to be in communion with one another. This is not always easy, and sometimes it requires a lot of effort; however, it is well worth it to have trusted, loving, encouraging people around especially when we are in the valley, in the presence of pain.
2) Reality
We cannot walk the journey if we are not willing to acknowledge we are on one. Reality sometimes just sucks. No one wants to wake up to a cancer diagnosis, a failing marriage, the death of a loved one, and ________(you fill in the blank). It is sometimes hard, lonely, scary, but ultimately real. Jesus tells in John 16:33, “In this world, you will have trouble…” You can expect it. And the only way that we can heal from that trouble is to acknowledge what we are experiencing.
Accepting reality is more helpful in community. However, it can also be helpful to seek professional counseling during this time. Sharing our hurts with someone who is unbiased and not close to the situation as well as has strength to bear witness to our pain can help us navigate our journey. Additionally, he or she can offer insight into ways for us to build strength for the journey ahead such as through providing coping skills, direction for boundaries, and providing hope we cannot always see.
3) Hope
Sometimes, in the valley, hope is all we have. It is an important facet of our faith. Hope is available to us at all times. Lia Martin notes that there are two words in the Old Testament that indicate a full trust in God: qawa and batah. These words do not convey a hope with a question mark as we do today. These words were used in anticipation of God’s provision. David, Job, and Isaiah are full of this type of hope.
“But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more” -Psalm 71:14
“And you will feel secure, because there is hope...” -Job 11:18
“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah 40:31
However, hope does not stop with the Old Testament. The New Testament word for hope is Elpida, and it conveys expectation with a guarantee (Strong’s Concordance). Do we still hope like this? I know I fail at it. I have said, “I hope this works out” with an attitude of it-most-likely-won’t. That is not hope. Practicing true hope provides us the opportunity to experience the pain knowing the mountain top is ahead.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” - Romans 15:13
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.”- 1 Peter 1:3
4) Surrender
When our lives are falling apart, we try to control all we can. It is a natural response. However, it is a futile one. The more we try to control, the more we find ourselves exhausted, angry, frustrated, and more. We usually find ourselves surrendering as a last option; yet, what if it was our first option?
Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.” We may never understand our valley, why we are experiencing pain. But when we trust the Lord with all our heart, we can trust that He knows why we are traversing this valley, and He will lead us through our darkness.
5) Rest
We have cried. We have screamed, yelled, maybe even cussed. We are tired. The valley takes a lot out of us. And, if you are like me, you keep moving no matter what because you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. We are often bound and determined to be in control, provide ourselves no stops because there is no rest for the weary, right? Not so much.
Matthew 11:28 is clear, “Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.” He desires us to rest in Him. He desires to fight for us (Exodus 14:14), to walk with us (John 10:14-16), to comfort us (1 Corinthians 1:13) know matter where we are. Will we be willing to be still and allow God to do this for us? Will we allow ourselves the rest He longs to give us?
Final Thoughts
There is no valley we are in that brings excitement. Often we endure our difficult, painful circumstances with boundless tears and ultimate resolve only to find ourselves out of tears and resolve. From one valley survivor to another, I can say that while the tears will come, and the desire to fight will be present, we can also know that in the presence of our pain we can have community, accept our reality, experience true hope, surrender all, and find true rest for our weariness. We can “hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful” (Hebrews 10:23).