Soul Cravings Series: Ambivalent and Ambiguous Acceptance
When writing on acceptance, two words came to mind: ambivalent and ambiguous. I could not decide which word was most relevant to the acceptance we seek when our cravings peak. As I researched them further, I decided both words complete the idea of how acceptance feels when our cravings are rampant.
Ambivalent Acceptance
Here is a fun fact from Webster dictionary: the term ambivalent entered the English language in the early 20thcentury from a Swiss psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler who coined the term to describe his patients’ struggles with conflicting ideas. Webster expounded his idea defining it as “having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.” And contradiction is a cumbersome way of living.
As a child she found herself always vying for attention and always falling short of it within her family. Fast forward to adulthood, and the young woman still craved acceptance, and she excitedly thought she found it within her friend group. During one of the darkest times in her life, she relied heavily on them to support her. They opened their homes to her when her home was too quiet to sleep in, they fed her when she could barely find the strength to breathe, and they helped her find hope when all hope seemed lost. Yet, as she recounted this within my office, she appeared ambivalent about the acceptance she once received.
What appeared as unconditional offerings of acceptance and care from her friends, were now I.O.U.s. The very people of faith who helped her now demanded her total loyalty in finances, time, and talents. She conveyed that she loved them, but she was struggling with their demands. As we reviewed her life experiences, as well as her experiences within the church, we found that what kept her in an unhealthy cycle was the craving for acceptance.
Her family did not offer the unconditional acceptance she deserved. Her formative years were wrought with conflicting messages of “You belong, but not as much as your brother” or “You will always be a part of this family as long as you do what we ask.” It was a message of conditional acceptance, and nothing will ever be enough. Because these messages and conditional acceptance felt familiar, she tolerated unhealthy relationships until she could no longer ignore the conflicting messages within herself as well as within her relationships. Unfortunately, once again, she faced the task of grieving a family.
Ambiguous Acceptance
While the term ambivalent conveys conflicting ideas toward someone or something, the term ambiguous describes how something may lack clarity because of multiple meanings. Therefore, when someone encounters ambiguous acceptance, multiple meanings are flying all over the place like a toddler eating spaghetti for the first time. This was my experience.
I was part of a group where loving others appeared to be the creed. Everything centered around that, and friends seemed to live out this motto in the way they gave of themselves. I loved what I was seeing and wanted to be a part of it. I found acceptance in community groups and volunteering, or so I thought.
Acceptance meant to me the availability to be my authentic self. I could experience my ups and downs believing I would be accepted unconditionally. Yet, what I discovered was my view of acceptance was different from their view. I believed with these individuals I could experience unconditional love, hope, and support. However, I experienced the lack of clarity with this. What I learned was to be accepted I had to be what they wanted me to be, and not buck the system, then I could be accepted. While I did this for a long time, I finally reached a place where I could no longer pretend. I chose to leave my illusion of acceptance and grieve another loss.
Whether we are experiencing ambivalent or ambiguous acceptance, we are faced with unfulfilled cravings. Our souls long to be seen, to be known, to be suffered with. Yet, ambivalent and ambiguous acceptance only leads us to find barren lands with little to no fulfillment in sight. But this does not have to the end of the story. We can overcome this wayward acceptance by recognizing our own worth and value, accepting ourselves, and accepting God’s view of us.
Ways of Acceptance
1) Our own worth and value
Many of us have adopted the idea that if we claim our own worth and value, if we have confidence in ourselves, that we are being conceited or arrogant. This is the enemy’s lie. God created us with gifts, talents, and purpose and there is nothing sinful about accepting that truth. We do want to be mindful though that if we begin to rely on our own strength and claim our gifts and talents to be something we have created, then we are moving toward sinfulness. However, we are not sinning when we speak God’s truth over us.
Scripture tells us that we are part of the body of Christ. Each of us has worth and value and serve a purpose in the body (1 Cor. 12: 27). We are not afterthoughts. We are valuable creations of God, and we can claim that!
2) Accepting ourselves
We often spend time hustling for other people’s acceptance. One of the issues with this is people’s acceptance of us can be as fickle as the wind. One moment others are our cheerleaders and the next moment they can be our accusers shattering our worth and value. However, when we know our own worth and value, when we can accept our strengths and uniquenesses, we lay the groundwork for stability within ourselves.
Accepting ourselves allows us to live in freedom that God has given us. He has called us to live an abundant life (John 10:10). We cannot do that if we are constantly trying to please everyone by seeking their acceptance. Psalm 146:3 reminds us, “Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save.” If we are always seeking the acceptance of man (maybe save us at times), we will be disappointed. However, we can accept ourselves and who are, “a royal priesthood, a people belonging to God” (1 Peter 2:9). We are allowed to stand strong in those truths.
3) God’s view of us
God’s word has not changed in 2000 years, and it is not going to change today. What God says of us in his word is what he thinks of us today. Hiding his words in our heart will allows us to know our own value and worth and accept ourselves. Additionally, God’s word is a constant reminder of his view of us!
In God’s sight we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139), worthy and valuable in that while we were still sinners, he sent his son to die for us (Romans 5:8). Furthermore, we are lavished in a great love the Father has poured out on us that we may be called his children (1 John 3:1). We are his children, and we cannot be plucked from his hand (John 10:28).
While God created our innermost being, and every part of us is known to him, he sees us from the perspective of the Cross, from the resurrection. He sees us through the blood of Christ. We are his bought with a price, a treasure in his sight (1 Cor. 6:20). Claim that, live in that!
Final Thoughts
Ambivalent and ambiguous acceptance may be commonplace for us; however, it does not have to be our forever way of living. When we can see our value and worth, accept ourselves, and trust God’s view of us, we unlock a new world of freedom, hope, and truth in which we can proclaim, “He brought them out of darkness and broke away their chains” (Psalm 107:14)! It is time to shake our shackles off and live in God’s acceptance of us!