Recognizing Spiritual Bypass

In the previous blog, Understanding Spiritual Bypass, the history and the definition of spiritual bypass was addressed. With that understanding, we now move forward to recognizing the act. When we can recognize spiritual bypass, we provide ourselves the opportunity to shield from it as well as keep ourselves accountable to not do it. 

Wherever spirituality resides, there is a chance for spiritual bypass to occur. Some researchers have noted that using someone's spiritual or religious beliefs against them is an oppressive and controlling tactic (Davis and Johnson, 2021). Additionally, it has been noted in research that some people have encountered religious teaching that spiritualized their mental pain by blaming it on curses passed down through the generations, demons, or transgressions (Lloyed & Waller, 2020). So, what does this look like? Below are examples of how this may look in a variety of environments. While these examples are not exhaustive, they do provide an opportunity for recognizing the act of spiritual bypass.

Home

Within my doctoral research, twelve of the fourteen participants stated that the spiritual bypass happened within the home. Those committing the bypass towards them were parents, grandparents, extended family, and even spouses. Let’s look at how this may transpire.

For example, a family member is grieving and another family member says, “We are to live life to the fullest, as God instructs. No more tears are needed because, [person] is in a better place.”  This statement uses scripture and a spiritual ideal as a form of bypass. While God does want us to live life to the fullest and, yes, our loved one may no longer be in pain, grief still hurts. It is a process that must be endured to reach a place of healing. These types of statements may encourage the person to delay or avoid grieving if he or she believes that he or she is not glorifying God by “living life to the fullest” or by experiencing the sorrow of loss. In addition, the family member may not feel he or she can communicate suffering due to his or her feelings being met with spiritual bypass. As a result, the individual witholding his or her feelings in fear they will not be accepted.

Another example many participants in my research stated was regarding their battle with anxiety. They expressed their worry or fear to a loved one and were met with scripture such as “Do not be anxious for anything” (Phil. 4:6) or “Perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). Additionally, phrases or cliches such as “Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve worried about?” or “You can pray, doubt, and do without or you pray, believe, and receive” were often stated to them. Scripture is truth, and there is no denying that. The problem with how the scripture and statements/cliches were used was there was no validation for the pain the person was experiencing.

Participants communicated that they felt dismissed, unheard, and learned to keep these thoughts to themselves. Some also experienced shame and guilt because they were praying and they were going to God and still felt anxious worried.  Again, scripture and mantras were used to minimize the person’s experience and pain.

Church/Religious Organization

All fourteen participants in my research stated that spiritual bypass occurred toward them in the church. The church is a common distributor of spiritual bypass, unfortunately. This can manifest in a plethora of ways and not all ways can be explored here, but a few will be discussed.

For example, spiritual bypass may occur in the church when a volunteer decides to take a step back due to exhaustion or personal matters. The leader responds, “But God loves a cheerful giver. He calls us to serve one another,” or “It is not about you. You must love your neighbor as you love yourself.” With these responses, there is no compassion toward the volunteer. The scripture used may lead to guilting and/or shaming the individual. This is not God’s heartbeat.

Additionally, I have been part of services where volunteers are needed and the pastor preaches a sermon on the Good Samaritan stating the necessity for us to give to one another and serve one another. Again, another instance where the misuse of scripture harms the receiver of it. While it is impossible for any pastor to know every person in his or her congregation or to have full knowledge of the struggles every congregant has, there has to be balance in these types of sermons. The Good Samaritan is a prominent figure in the story, but so is the man in the road. And, sometimes, we are the man in the road who needs to be served. But without stating that, this may leave volunteers or congregants feeling dismissed and guilty.

In addition, people may receive the message that they are being egotistical by choosing to do something they do not want to do or does not have the emotional capacity to manage. Furthermore, someone may feel as if he or she is “sinning” or “letting God down” by needing to rest. This is a form of spiritual bypass at the hands of another in which the need of the individual is ignored, and the Bible and Christian principles are used for the agenda of leader and/or church.

Work 

Only six respondents in my research stated they experienced spiritual bypass in the workplace. Most of these work environments were religious organizations. Some were non-profit and some for-profit, but all integrated Christianity into their daily workings. 

Spiritual bypass in the workplace may occur from the top down or from co-worker to co-worker. I have experienced it coming from the leader as well as co-worker to co-worker. Trying to convey to leadership the hurt I was experiencing in one environment was met with minimalizing my experience, and I was told I was “too sensitive.” Whereas, another instance, I was spiritually gaslighted from someone who hurt me with the person stating that I must forgive as Christ has forgiven (when forgiveness is not an overnight experience).

Other instances conveyed to me by people have ranged from a person internally struggling with self-worth and identity to not being allowed to experience feelings. One person was told after expressing a struggle with self-worth, “Today’s struggle will pale in comparison to what's coming.” Another was told to repeat mantras such as “I’m not a slave to sin. I can win!” or “Just pray about it.”

These examples show that no validation was offered for people’s pain or experience. This may leave people confused, shamed, and embarrassed that they were not able to forgive overnight, or feel as though they were not praying hard enough. For me, it left me feeling as if there was something wrong me and left me questioning my judgment. What I know now is this was not my issue, but it was their issue. Others I have interviewed are still trying to unravel what occurred to them. To lessen the likelihood of experiencing spiritual bypass, or committing the act, a few recommendations are offered for how to recognize the act.

How to Recognize Spiritual Bypass

1)    Pay attention to your body, heart, and mind. They are always telling you a story. When you express something to someone and his/her response feels hurtful, it is okay to acknowledge that hurt. Sometimes it is our past hurt that is producing or magnifying the pain, so if we need to wait to talk to the person about that experience, then we can do that. But trust yourself and your experience.

 2)    If the information you are receiving is going against God’s character or his word, notice that and when the time is appropriate address it with the person who may be delivering the information.

3)    Study God’s word for yourself. God has placed men and women as leaders of churches to share his word. But they are not the only way to know what God has declared. You knowing God’s word and studying it is how you will be able to know when God’s word and truths are being used improperly against you, and how you can be sure not to use it improperly toward someone.

Spiritual bypass is an act that can be subtle or overt, nonetheless, it leaves a trail of pain when it occurs. We must be mindful of when it happens to us, but we must be accountable to ensure we do not do it toward someone else as well. In doing so, we have the opportunity to live out Ephesians 4:29, “When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.”

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Navigating the Waves of Grief

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Understanding Spiritual Bypass