Have the Hard Conversations: How to Talk with Someone who is Thinking about Suicide
Watching the news yesterday, another heartbreaking headline appeared: Professional Golfer Grayson Murray dies by suicide. So much talent, and he appeared so loved. Yet, he like so many others in America, struggled with anxiety, depression, and substance use. Unfortunately, he believed this was his only way to overcome the pain. And he is not the only one.
Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. There is an average of 132 suicide deaths every day. In 2023, over 50,000 deaths were by suicide. Suicide is happening and has reached epidemic proportions. We cannot not have the difficult conversations with people. Knowing how to have those difficult conversations may enable us to help someone considering suicide and lead them to places that can help them overcome this battle.
Facing the Reality
When I was thirteen and facing what felt like a never-ending battle of sadness, anger, and disappointment, I talked about suicide. While I do not recall having a plan or desiring to really follow through with it, it was my cry for help. My friend told our youth pastor, and he called me into his office. He had a two-minute conversation with me and told me, “Don’t do that.” As you can surmise, that encounter helped me none. In fact, it made me feel even less valuable than I already felt. Luckily, I did have other people around me that helped me work through those thoughts even though the depression remained. But what if I would not have had that? What if I would have had a plan in place? Thank goodness we will never know.
As a therapist reflecting on my own life in this event, I am even more grateful for those who were not afraid or too busy to face this season of life with me. Now as someone who does face the reality of those suffering and contemplating suicide, I do want to offer help, hope, and healing. And for each person and situation that may look different. However, therapists are with a person typically one hour out of the week. It is often loved ones, friends, and others who help those they care about make it through their darkest of days.
No matter if it is a friend, co-worker, student, or our children, we can be prepared in having the hard conversations about suicide. In knowing how to have the hard conversations, we offer a preventative measure for those contemplating suicide. Dispelling some myths first about suicide may help us better understand how to have the conversations.
Top Three Myths
1) If I talk about with someone, it will give them the idea to act on it
TRUTH: Actually, talking about suicide may reduce the a person’s suicidal ideation. Having the conversation allows the person to see someone cares and may encourage them to seek treatment. Additionally, having the conversation can lessen the stigma the person may be feeling due to their struggle with mental health.
2) People who talk about suicide are just seeking attention
TRUTH: For some people this may be true; however, it is an unhealthy way to seek attention that could lead to an attempt or completion. It is always important to take someone seriously when he or she is discussing suicide.
3) Most suicides happen without warning
TRUTH: Warning signs may not always appear, but most often they do. These signs can be both verbally or behaviorally. Knowing the warning signs can help us to identify when someone is contemplating suicide. All warning signs should be taken seriously, no matter how minute they may seem. A list of warnings is offered within the resources section of this blog.
Understanding the myths, may help us to take the next step: having the hard conversations. While this is not an exhaustive list, these tips will enable us to have tools to navigate this difficult topic.
Having the Hard Conversations
1) Care and compassion
Individuals crying out for help want to know they matter and that someone cares about them. How we approach them is critical. If we approach them with frustration, cynicism, or with a dismissing attitude, we are not providing them a safe space to share their thoughts, feelings, and needs. However, when we approach with care and compassion, we offer them space to hear truth and receive the help they need from trusted professionals.
Care and compassion can be displayed through the follow through of the help we offer, language we use to have the tough talk, and even our body language. When people see we care, they may be more willing to hear what we have to say and accept the help we offer.
2) Be direct
Saying the words are scary but being direct will give us a direct answer. We will not have to guess what the person meant, nor will the person be guessing at what we are hinting. It leaves little room for error. The A.C.T. model below may help for being direct; however, it can be amended as needed.
A. Acknowledge feelings/Ask questions
“I recognize you hurting and think suicide is an option…”
“Are you thinking about suicide?”
C. Communicate care
“This may be hard to talk about, but I am willing to listen.”
“I will be willing to help you find someone to talk to.”
***Aftercare is important as well. While checking up on someone is helpful, we need to remember that we cannot make them “better.” We might be able to help guide them and offer resources, but at the end of the day, they must make a choice to receive the help and use the resources.
T. Take action
There are a few ways to take action:
1) Offering to go with the person to the emergency room or first therapy session
2) If the person is unwilling to take steps, you may need to call 911 or the sheriff’s department
3) You may have to take them to a mental health facility where the person can receive intensive treatment
3) Know limitations
When we see people we care about and love hurting, our first instinct is to try to fix it. However, if we are not careful, we may do more harm than good, take on more responsibility than is ours to take, and find ourselves overwhelmed. Knowing our limitations can help us to offer what is realistic and what is actually within our skill set to offer.
Being real with ourselves and others reduces the disappointment that comes with unmet expectations. Additionally, we reduce the dependence of others on us and return responsibility back to them for their health and well-being. This does not mean we do not walk alongside them in their journey. However, we cannot walk their journey for them.
Final Thoughts
Suicide is never an easy topic to approach. It is not something we desire to have a conversation about with anyone. However, understanding the truths for talking with someone about suicide will help us to navigate those conversation when they do happen. In knowing how to address it, what to look for, and resources that can be offered, we can help those suffering find the help they need.
If someone you know is suicidal, please go to the nearest emergency room or dial 911 or 988 for the crisis hotline. Below are additional resources to help you or someone you care about to navigate this difficult time.
Resources
Learning how to talk about suicide in helpful and hopeful ways
Warning signs for someone thinking about suicide
Other tips for talking with someone who is thinking about suicide
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline