Balancing Act: Three Tips to Find balance in Life with our Pain

This weekend for many is a double-edged sword. Around the globe people are graduating and enjoying a time of celebration of their accomplishments. However, it is also Mother’s Day. And for some, even amid the weekend’s celebration, there is heartache. Heartache for a mother who has died, heartache for a relationship lost, or heartache for lost longings of motherhood. While it is hard to navigate the swirling storm of suffering while also celebrating, learning to hold space for both is a step toward finding balance in life with our pain.

Holding Space

As I am preparing to celebrate receiving my doctorate this weekend, there is a little twinge of sadness. Sadness that both my parents are not alive to be a part of this, that my mother is not on this earth to celebrate her this weekend. However, I look out the window and notice the sun on the beautiful horizon. It is my gentle reminder that days change, times change, I change. And while there may be a little sadness, there is also much joy. But I did not arrive at this place overnight.

Joy comes in the morning (and mourning). But tears may come first. Sadness, anger, loneliness, desperation, and more may be the first steps to our healing, to finding the joy that appears elusive right now. That was my journey. And it seemed liked the never-ending travel of tears. Until one day I did not cry as much. Until one day I could smile at the memories rather than be fearful of them. Until one day I am traveling to a graduation with my husband by my side to celebrate my accomplishments with joy at the helm of my journey rather than grief.

I have learned to hold space for my emotions, no matter what they are. While this is not an easy task, it is a necessary one so that I, we, may live rather than merely survive.

 Three Ways to Find the Balance

 1)    Feelings are friends, not enemies

In our formative years, we may have learned that feelings were frivolous. We should not trust them, but ignore them. Some of us, however, may have learned that only certain feelings were acceptable such as anger or joy. On the other hand, some of us may have been taught all emotions are okay, but we were not given the tools to know how to manage our emotions becoming frightened of what we did feel because we felt out of control of ourselves.

Additionally, we may have learned along the way that emotions are a sin. For instance, scriptures such as “Do not be anxious for anything” (Phil. 4:6), “Do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph. 4:26), or “Live life to the full” (John10:10) may have been used toward us in an effort to curb our feelings; however, when scripture is used in a way that it dismisses our feelings, our circumstances, or our pain, we experience spiritual bypass. This will keep us in a loop, unable to experience God-given emotions because we believe we are sinning. Yet, we are simply being human, not sinning.

Regardless of which emotional dynamic we experienced, we can change our relationship with our feelings today. They are not scary, uncontrollable creatures within us. Rather, they are storytellers. Jesus had emotions, and He showed them. He got angry at the sacrilege in His temple (Matthew 21:12), He wept for Lazarus (John 11:35), and was “deeply moved in spirit” by others (John11:33). Like the emotions even Jesus felt, they tell us when we have been hurt, when a boundary has been crossed, as well as when we are experiencing our dreams come true. for Therefore, learning to acknowledge and befriend our feelings is a first step of the process of balancing our pain. As we recognize them as story tellers, we become less fearful of them and more curious. This curiosity can lead us to a place of understanding ourselves, circumstances, and others.

 2)    Feel to heal

We often try to apply moral value to feelings. Sadness, grief, anger, anxiousness equal bad; joy, excitement, contentment, calm equals good. However, feelings have no moral value. They simply are a part of us. Now, how we handle those feelings may fall into a good or bad category, but feelings themselves are neither good nor bad. However, when we try to place a moral value on them, we find ourselves trying to numb, dismiss, ignore the “bad” ones, and only hold space for the “good” ones. Yet, to heal, we need to feel.

When we choose to accept one emotion but not others, we give ourselves the illusion of control. However, when we choose to numb one, we numb them all. For instance, anger may stay at bay, but so will calm. Sadness may not arise, but neither will joy. Therefore, to experience joy to the fullest, we have to experience our sadness to the fullest. To experience calm, we have to experience the storm. This does not mean that we lose self-control. In fact, giving space for our feelings provides us more self-control because we can be in tune with ourselves and give ourselves what we need to work through the feelings we are enduring. In doing so, we can experience “gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:23).

 3)    Expecting leads to accepting

Whether it is our feelings, our circumstances, or our relationships, when we learn to expect pain, we learn to accept it. This is not a negative outlook, but rather a realistic one. It is one that acknowledges Jesus’ words “In this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33).

My husband has this statement, “Here is your expectation [hold your hand right above your head], and here is reality [hold your other hand at your chin]. In between is disappointment.” When we set expectations of others, our circumstances, maybe even ourselves, and those are not met, we may find disappointment, hurt, and pain. Psalm 146:3 reminds us, “Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save.” We are fully human capable of hurting and failing one another. However, if we accept that we live in a fallen world, with fallible humans, we are less likely to become cratered when failure, pain, or grief happens.

And if we will learn to trust in Jesus’ words regarding trouble, we may find acceptance of where we are in life, “Take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). We can trust in the Overcomer! We can trust that God will supply our every need (Philippians 4:19) and give us rest from all we endure (Matthew 11:28). That we can expect and accept.

 Final Thoughts

No one wakes up saying, “It’s a great day to be in pain!” However, when we do have painful events happen, if we learn to balance our pain in life with the joy God supplies, we can face the pain we experience with new insight. We can face it with the knowledge that we can have a “peace that surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).